So much has happened, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm usually long-winded and go on tangents, but I will keep it short this time around. It's safer that way for this diary entry. Prepare for some random thoughts that might not necessarily tie into the others. 

Basically... I'm so deeply disappointed and annoyed that it has left me subdued. I can't blame an entire town or the community I live in for how I feel, because I'm the outsider who moved into their bubble. And, now, it has become painfully clear that the kind of life I want to live doesn't seem attainable so long as I stay in this community. I am mocked for caring about wildlife and animals, and I am mocked for thinking that we are in imminent danger because of climate change. I believe that people should slow down at a 4-way stop where kids play, but people disagree with me about that, too. Their mockery of me isn't what's disappointing me; rather, it's their lack of self-awareness. Most have lived here their entire lives, and many only hang out with their own family members. Opinions are mostly shared with other family members, and that seems to be good enough. I'm a huge thinker, and I'm not implying that it makes me smarter, but I analyze the shit out of everything. Most of my friends are from different cities and have various post-secondary backgrounds, and I take their opinions and knowledge seriously. The technical leaders in my community aren't even doing the bare minimum due diligence before making major decisions that affect people's lives and, most recently, an entire ecosystem. Only one of the four leaders has specialized training, and if power corrupts absolutely, I'm seeing it play out in real time. It's funny, too, because several of my psychologists have told me that I hold power because of my energy, and I've seen that play out as well. Power corrupted me at one point because I was broken. It's all about ego, and I am grateful that I've had access to mental health services for as long as I have. Had I not gone to therapy, I would have gone on thinking that my greatest power was my appearance and seductiveness. Since the age of 14, I have made the opposite sex quite crazy simply by existing. That may sound cocky, but it's the absolute truth. Some called me a walking pheromone, and in a way, they were right! Birth control that alters hormones has had devastating effects on my health pre-perimenopause, so I opted out for most of my life. When you're on birth control pills, they hinder natural mate selection. Instead of finding someone to complement you, you wind up finding someone who matches your own immunities. It's a whole thing, and I suggest you read about it! (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/birth-control-pills-affect-womens-taste/)

In any case, it took a long journey to finally realize that being attractive wasn't my power; it was and has always been my ability to connect dots and make connections. Before I got sick, I was an incredible networker because of my ability to analyze beyond the traditional script. At my old job, people from other departments would often come talk to me about their challenges because they relied on my ability to think outside the box. Unfortunately, my community's technical leaders (they use power, they don't lead... yet) are too focused on finding solutions themselves, I imagine, for the glory and pats on the back. My former manager, Beige, hated that I was always several steps ahead of them, so they did their best to keep me down. Beige would scoff at that statement because Beige could never bring themselves to realize that they are one of the main reasons why work satisfaction is so low for about 95% of the staff. Beige intentionally held back progress because they didn't want it known that all the ideas were mine. It was a hopeless place to work, and Beige's tactics worked! My choice, in the end, was to either unload 13 years of grievances in her face using 'very-Sherry' language, in front of everyone, or quit... so, I quit. Quitting breathed life back into my body, but it didn't fix everything. 

I am terrified of death because it's one of those things in the world, along with knowing how the universe began, that we can never have the answers to. It scares me to think that at some point, I may never get to see the ones I love ever again, not here, or anywhere. The burden of not knowing weighs heavily on my mind. I love science, but science will never determine with 100% certainty how the universe began, let alone how it actually works. I don't believe that we are allowed to know, because we can't be trusted with that much power. Perhaps that's why we only know what happens after death after we die... we can't manipulate it. Everything feels so deliberate, too. All the pain and suffering, all the joy and happiness, seem to balance each other out. It doesn't seem fair, though, that so many people suffer. Are we capable of so much joy that it must be met with intense horror? Once this test has been scrapped- and by test, I mean our existence- the next test won't involve our need to kill to eat. I mean, how pointlessly reckless to force us to kill to eat. Why not include food for each species that is delicious and neither sentient nor full of any life at all? Geez, I get so dramatic when I'm feeling poopy. 

Also, there is almost NO good news reporting happening anymore. The news has become one of the last places to get honesty. It's all spin, spin, spin, and unless you are a big picture person, all you're going to see is what the spin artists put in front of you. It's frightening when you think about it because right now, in 2026, high schools are graduating students who can't read or write. I am fucking terrified, man. 

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