Age-gap relationships are so trendy right now... but why?

Never in a million and one years did I ever think that I'd be in an age-gap relationship, let alone married to someone much younger than myself.

There is a 17-year difference between my partner and me. I know, it's a lot. It's atypical. 92% of relationships don't have an age gap of more than 10 years. Trust me when I say that marrying someone much younger than myself wasn't ever something I thought could happen. Actually, no one ever thought that I'd get married. But here we are, four years later, and we couldn't be happier.

I won't mention fate or destiny because I don't think that's what happened. To me, it feels more like a chance encounter that evolved into something major. Had he not had the summer job at my workplace, we would have never met. At the time, he was living in a city about 5 hours away, where he graduated from law school. And not only is he not from the town I live in, but he is originally from two provinces to the west. In fact, when I first saw M. Duthier (M.), the thought of being with him never crossed my mind; now, that isn't to say that I didn't find him attractive, but I knew that I was older, and that it would be silly to think about him beyond being a work colleague. I didn't have low self-confidence when it came to men and dating, but I couldn't imagine him being attracted to a woman in her 40s when he could easily attract someone younger. Like many, I assumed that 'young' = 'hotter'. I am an autumn chicken, not a spring chicken, though my feathers are still quite bright.

Before getting to know me, M. was quite shy and could barely look me in the eyes. Little did I know, he had been checking out my butt the entire time, and little did he know that I had been checking his out, too. Suffice it to say, our posteriors are meaty. He already had a sense of my personality because he was always overhearing me talk to my workmates. He thought I was funny, friendly, and interesting, but I still didn't know anything about him… yet.

Finally, one day, I decided to drop by his office to see what was up with this quiet, cute guy. Almost immediately, I could feel that we had chemistry. We both lit up when we spoke, and he had a quick wit that I greatly enjoyed. We began making each other laugh immediately. When they say that women love funny guys, it's true. I also found out he had a girlfriend, and that, for me, almost simplified our burgeoning friendship; he was off-limits. I was thrilled to have someone to talk to because my interests do not align with the town I live in. Despite having many great qualities, this town is huge on hunting and maintaining the status quo, whereas I'm an environmental and animal activist who is very open-minded. I do not believe in Christianity, either,  and I  proudly support the LGBTQ community. Immigrants also don't scare me, but they seem to terrify a lot of people here. I also hate rodeos and romanticizing cowboys; after all, historically, cowboys were about conquering land and killing natives. Basically, I don't fit in, even though I gave it my best shot. I never felt understood here, and it’s no one’s fault.

 M. seemed to care about the same issues as I did. For the first time, I felt like I had an ally. I was elated to have someone like him around and promptly asked him if he would like a tour of the area. Still, I wasn't expecting or anticipating what was about to happen. After spending five hours together driving around, talking, laughing and building a fire by the river, I could feel a spark. Ruh-oh. I could feel his eyes on me, but I pretended not to notice. I, too, realized that I wanted to flirt with him and was actively trying not to. I should have bailed; I had been a Joelene a few times before, and I really didn't want to go down that road again; strong chemistry is my kryptonite. Granted, my views on relationships and monogamy differ significantly from those of most people. Humans are not naturally monogamous, and I have accepted that for a long time. I realize now that other people don't care whether monogamy is human nature or not; they see infidelity as immoral—and I do not. I will discuss this topic in another blog post because that topic is extremely fascinating to me.

Back to my story…

I wish I could say we didn't cross any lines, but we did… we kissed. Once it became clear that we wanted to cross all the lines, M. broke up with his girlfriend two weeks after the first night we hung out. Needless to say, his girlfriend at the time was extremely pissed and tried to hurt us in as many ways as possible. I understood her rage, but it didn't change anything about how M. and I felt for one another.

17 years, though…that's a lot!

With such a big age gap, it's difficult to imagine what kinds of things you would have in common. For me, age gaps weren't something I cared much about. I have best friends who are 20 years older than me, 15 years younger than me, and some in between. One of my best friends for the past 16 years was my former professor, who was 40 years older than me. I have always placed the most importance on my connection with another person. I guess you could say I’m pan-friendly.

Then, there's the fact that being childless allowed me to explore life in different ways without worrying about providing for another person. I never had to settle down, and that allowed for my childlike spirit to remain free. For someone who has had kids, I can see how difficult it could be to imagine dating someone much younger— to them, they're still kids! But, unlike parents, my maturity has developed over time rather than overnight. People who have kids experience dramatic changes in lifestyle and priorities, and I can remember when some of my friends started getting married and having babies in their early to mid-20s and thinking they were nuts. I don’t know what convinces someone they’re ready to have kids other than desire, because your life, your time, are never your own ever again! Interestingly, women don’t have an evolved brain mechanism that tells them to want kids. The desire stems from a personal choice that is often shaped by the culture we live in. Moreover, religions, which are often patriarchal in nature, pressure women about basically everything, including pushing out a bunch of kids. I’ve always wanted my coast to be clear. I didn’t want to miss out, and I knew I’d resent my kids for holding me back.

I’ve never pretended to be more mature than I am, or that I had my shit together. I have known since being in the womb that my soul's mission has been to understand life, and why I'm here existing on this planet. What I chose to study in university was about society, how it functions, and how we function in terms of our evolutionary psychology. I see us as animals with the capacity to interpret our existence, but I don't see us as being more evolved than animals. Because of our big brains, we have organized societies with many laws to keep our crazy asses in order. I would be convinced that humans are highly evolved if we weren’t so cruel, but here we are. Most of what we do in our day-to-day lives involves the same evolved mechanisms as animals, actually. For example, women who wear makeup, hoist their tits up, or try to make them look bigger are playing the mating game, even subconsciously. The same goes for men who buy expensive cars to try to look rich and accomplished… It's all for show, and it's all for finding a mate or seeming like you could get anyone you want. That is basically the only reason we exist: to compete and propagate.

Since neither M. nor I wanted kids, we both chose to spend our lives focusing on our own game and healing, while also having fun and  seeking out enlightening experiences. Needless to say, because of my age, there was already zero chance of M. and I ever having a baby anyway! But, because I still lay eggs (ha-ha), we had to have the discussion about what we’d do should I ever accidentally become pregnant. We both agreed that it is a disservice to future generations if broken people continue to have kids. Neither M. nor I wanted to create a life when we both knew that we didn't have what it takes to raise a kid in this fucked up world. Ultimately, M. got a vasectomy, and we never looked back. You may be wondering how M. could have come to such a decision at a young age, but he knew from an early age about his personal limitations. He, like me, appreciates having time to do what he wants, when he wants to do it. He believes the world is a harsh place, with corrupt systems, and that society hasn’t evolved enough to be a fair place for most people. We have both struggled because of our respective family situations, and we were both relieved that neither had kids in their life plans. For me, it was amazing to hear a guy say he didn’t want kids, since most do. For a young man, he had already weighed the pros and cons more than 90% of men who actively produce progeny.

We had much in common, but we did have to work at it. It wasn’t all sugar and spice.

M. and I did go through some rough patches because of our age difference. He felt the need to impress me by embellishing stories about this past experiences, and I was really hard on him about that. To be fair, every other guy I’ve dated who was in my age group lied the same way, and M. was no exception. It’s something I had to discuss with a therapist 20 years ago. I had spent so much time alone to avoid this exact situation, and it felt like I had walked into the same disaster as always. What I learned was that I had a tendency to want to run away when the going got tough. I didn’t have the tools to work out relationship issues, so I always thought that breaking up, or cheating, was the only answer. I even told all of my exes, verbatim, “if you lie to me, I will cheat on you.” This difficult time in our relationship is what actually forced us both to grow up. We had to face ourselves and our shortcomings. Also, did you know that most men lie in this way? It’s like an actual thing. There are numerous studies about it, actually, but still, knowing that never made me more compassionate, because men will lie about the DUMBEST SHIT.

M. isn’t dumb, he did a dumb thing.

Sure, I had more years on this planet than M., but he absorbed life by reading extensively, putting himself through school, and ultimately earning two degrees by the time he was 22. There were times when I questioned if our relationship could go the distance, mostly because I was afraid that people would make fun of him as I aged. M. is, after all, a cutie-patootie, highly educated, funny, and a great listener. Why would he want to remain with someone who will one day soon look visibly older than him? I mean, I already look older than him.

Did/does M. have a kink?

M. would deny that he has a kink for older women, but I believe that he does, at least on some level. This would actually work in my favour as I grow older! I joke with M. sometimes about breaking a hip when I 'Broadway dance' and that he'd have to take care of me... he loves the idea... kinky freak! And, like younger women who fetishize older men, there are reasons why a younger dude could be interested in an older woman. When we met, to him, I appeared very confident, with a good job, my own house, a car, and pets… I had it going on! In reality, I didn't have it all going on, but that's what it looked like. He knew that he would someday make a decent salary, but knowing that I was already somewhat settled likely factored into what he found attractive about me. He had just graduated from university, so clearly he wasn't rolling around in dough. Actually, once his summer stint was over, he moved away for a few months to take an articling position (law, intern stuff) he had secured several months prior. It didn't take long for him to realize that he wanted to be on a different path, and after two months, he came back to live with me in my tiny house, along with my adopted pets.

Ah, so he's a gold-digger, right? You'd think…

Once M. moved in with me, he started looking for work right away. At the very least, he had to be able to pay his own bills, and that's all I expected. I knew he was younger and hadn't had a career yet, though I feel his work experience had far surpassed my own at his age. Not only had he graduated from law school at 22, but he also worked for professors and was the president of his law student society at university. I trusted that he would do his best not to put any financial strain on me, and I was right to trust him. In no time, he found a job teaching French online for a university in another province. He wasn't making the kind of money he wanted, so he got trained to become a law interpreter for provincial courts. Combined, these jobs would have provided him with enough money to pay his bills and cover other expenses. But then, a bomb went off in my life; I became very sick. I couldn't work for several months, and after I burned through my sick days, I had to collect employment insurance. This situation was incredibly hard on me as I was afraid of losing my job. I had a horrible manager, and I was convinced they would try to replace me, despite being good at my job and working myself into a burnout. I decided to push myself to go back to work, and it only worsened my health. Once again, I had to take time off, and once again I sank deeper into depression. All the while, M. was there supporting me in every way that he could. He did all the cleaning, cooking, and shopping… You name it!

Eventually, a job opened up at my office, and he got it. We were overjoyed because it was a job with regular hours, pay, and some benefits. Moreover, he would be able to use some of the skills he had learned in law school. While all of this amazing stuff was happening for M., my health continued to decline, and I made the decision, with M.'s full support, to quit my job. For the past year, M. has been the sole breadwinner while I tend to my health. As he likes to say, "I like taking care of my baby."

In the end, our age difference is actually a factor that keeps things interesting. He loves hearing me tell stories about 'back in my day,' and I love hearing about all the knowledge he has about current affairs, history, and culture. He also has some cool stories about his past, but admittedly, his childhood was quite vanilla compared to mine. Hellcat meets housecat.

We're really just two people who met by chance, who have open minds, and decided to take a chance. Neither of us had a vision about one day getting married or being in an age-gap relationship. Shit, I had been single for ten years before I met him, always preferring to leave my options open and to have fun without commitment. Between M. and me, it was me who had more growing up to do, but it was he who had to learn how to let loose. There is an organic balance that exists, and we are never, ever bored. We support each other, boost each other, and are each other's biggest fans. We hug and high-five each other all day long!

Unfortunately, but understandably, age-gap relationships are still stigmatized. There is a power dynamic that could be easily manipulated and exploited. Generally, we see older men with much younger women, and it has become somewhat cliché. Historically, men have had an unfair advantage thanks to the patriarchal systems that are so deeply entrenched in almost all aspects of society. People with power typically abuse power. But now, women are more powerful than in the past and are therefore making different decisions about what makes sense for their lives, such as whether to have kids or get married. What a time to be alive! I wasn’t looking for a father for my children, or someone to pay my bills; I was simply existing, happy to be alone, when a cool person entered my life and changed everything for the better. Even if M. and I only stay married for 10 years, it’s still longer than most marriages of people who are close in age. We truly get one shot at life, and we took our shot.